It is a truth universally acknowledged that I am a leading authority in modern political reporting, and as such it’s my duty to inform readers about the imminent presidential election, which is (as of this posting) a mere 814 days away. Accordingly I humbly present a comprehensive preview of frontrunners in the race to become the next High Priest of America, the greatest nation ever. Read on and enjoy.
To begin, we’ll cover the party of small government, liberty, and God (probably).
The New Jersey governor was thought to be the leading GOP candidate, with mainstream appeal capable of uniting the party’s Tea Party-influenced conservative wing and its fundraisers. However, his chances have taken a hit with the so-called “Bridgegate” affair, in which Christie stands accused of using prearranged signals to indicate his hand to his partners, a very serious offense in the rought-and-tumble card playing world. The scandal threatens to jeopardize both Christie’s campaign and the National Republican Bridge Player’s Alliance, which recently surpassed the AFL-CIO in total fundraising dollars.
|Pictured: Christie’s Cronies, the bad boys of the Bridge world|
The libertarian-leaning senator from Kentucky has made a name for himself by breaking with GOP orthodoxy on issues such as drone warfare, police militarization, and voting rights for felons. While questions remain about Paul’s viability in a general election, insiders believe he’s attempting to broaden his base by courting the support of his more liberal cousin Rawls Paul. Though the relationship between the two is strained, longtime Paul family spokesman Hegel Paul has expressed hope in an eventual reconciliation.
|Another advantage his that his campaign literature is ready to go, basically.|
The Tea Party favorite has attracted praise and controversy for his hardline stance against immigration and for his role in the 2013 government shutdown. Cruz has denied interest in a presidential run, but one GOP insider remarked, “Look, this is classic Campbell: Ted’s refusing the call for now, but when the time comes he’ll be ready.” The insider, a wizened old man with a twinkle in his eye and an enigmatic style, then raised his arms and vanished in a puff of smoke.
|Not until Act III, Ted.|
Ryan has made himself a Republican darling through his ongoing attempts to establish himself as a dynamic, charismatic, and data-driven conservative thinker. This may put him in a solid position for the GOP nomination, but few voters are aware of Ryan’s true motivation: to finally, through hard work and perseverance, earn the acceptance and respect of his estranged uncle, a stern and unyielding workaholic professor who’s never approved of Ryan’s political activities.
|WHEN WILL YOU LOVE ME, UNCLE PAUL!?|
The presumptive Democratic nominee, former Secretary of State Clinton enjoys broad support within the party, with a recent Gallup poll showing 77% of registered Democrats either “Strongly in Favor” or “Resignedly Apathetic” towards a Clinton presidency. Associates of Clinton have dismissed criticism of her age and gender as sexist and unfair, but have privately expressed concern over the wisdom of her decision to head off critics by entering the American Ninja competition.
|She’s grown up in front of America.|
Kerry could be a dark horse challenger should Clinton slip up, but insiders question whether the dry and dolorous Secretary of State can connect with voters after his failed run in 2008. Kerry’s perception hasn’t been helped by the sad trombone sound that punctuates his speeches, although he recently hit back against critics in a State Department Q&A, stating, “There may perhaps be some truth (womp wommmmp) to charges of stodginess leveled against me, but I hearby resolve (womp wommmmp) to thoroughly rebut accusations of aristocratic pretension which individuals of a plebeian disposition insist on leveling against (womp wommmmp woooommmmmmmmmp) me.”
|Plus I felt like making a Kerry joke instead of a Biden one and we all know Clinton is going to win the nomination so shut up.|
Warren could potentially run as challenger to the left of the Democratic establishment and therefore can be safely be ignored.
|She seems nice.|
The sitting president’s impending decision to flagrantly disregard the Twenty Second amendment to run for a third term is expected to meet with cheers from supporters and ruthless suppression of the rest. Details on Obama’s platform are scarce, but the long-rumored mass-confiscation of firearms is likely, as is America’s final conversion to a planned economy under a one-world government. Meanwhile, Obama is widely expected to allow elections to continue provided the votes are, in one staffer’s somewhat ominous words, “counted… accurately.”
|Note that he is burning the Constitution, and also literally pointing out that he is burning the Constitution. To those of us trained in artistic interpretation, this is known as “symbolism.”|
And that’s all for now. No doubt as time passes we’ll provide more details, but for now you can go forward confident in the knowledge that, however much gossip about the presidential race does not really matter at all, you’ve definitely read something about it.
(originally posted at Expert Textperts)