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Some Light-Hearted Philosophical Quandaries for Mormons

I think about a lot of weird things. When I was younger, I actually kept a list, which I kept adding to, of different “theories.” They were not conspiracy theories but simple questions regarding things real and fictional. Sadly, I cannot remember most of them; although, I do remember that at least one of them had something to do with Superman. The ones I remember the most relate directly to what I then understood as the gospel according to Mormonism. For example, Mormons believe that the Second Coming of Jesus will usher in the Millennium, the 1,000 years of peace the scriptures speak of. Life will carry on much the same it did before the beginning of the Millennium. Mormons believe that, among other things, we will use those 1,000 years to continue to spread the gospel and perform vicarious temple work for those who did not accept the gospel in this life.

All things being equal, then, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will still hold its annual and semi-annual General Conferences. The philosophical quandary, here, has to do with Jesus’ personal reign on the earth, which Mormons believe will happen for the Millennium. Naturally, Jesus will preside at General Conference. Well, what will he wear?

Will he wear a robe? A toga? An Armani suit? What color would he select? White? A dark, conservative color? Something that stands out and screams, “I am the Son of God”? If he wears the former, will he show some chest hair?

Just call me Mess.I.ah.

Will he wear sandals? Sneakers? Loafers? Will he prefer Birkenstocks? Tevas? Rockports? Red Wings?

How will he do his hair? First, will it be white? Will he trim it? Pull it back into a ponytail? Perm it? What about that beard? Neatly trimmed? Bushy? Styled? Or will he be clean-shaven?

Will he conduct any sessions? Will he give a talk? Shouldn’t he give all the talks?

General Conference aside, what about consumerism? Perhaps the Saints will be living the law of consecration, but the rest of the world will still be heavily involved in the exchange of goods and services. But what will happen as the Millennium gets on in years and, as Mormons believe, more and more people convert to the gospel and make sacred temple covenants. That will create a huge demand for “Mormon underwear,” which are simply garments worn under the clothes as a reminder of the sacred covenants made in the temple. Will the church be able to keep up? I imagine that they will need to outsource production, and everyone will want a piece of the pie because it will be a gargantuan market. Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Donna Karan, Gap, Victoria’s Secret, etc. All of these companies will be making their own special styles, luring their Mormon consumers with different choices in size, fit, comfort, texture, and, of course, brand quality. Unfortunately, advertising will prove tricky. One could not have models striking poses in the sacred garments, but I imagine something along the lines of the following:

“You know what they look like, but how do you want them to feel? The legendary comfort of Jockey, now available for Mormons.”

Or,

“Look good walking around in the privacy of your own home. We can’t show you a picture, but you know they’re good if they’re Calvin Klein, legendary style, now available for Mormons.”

You don’t need to see anything but the name.

Or,

“Want to try the new Angel collection of legendary sexy comfort? You’ll just have to buy some. Mormons can trust us, we are Victoria’s Secret.”

Yes, I know, I may not be able to write good ad copy, but that is not the point, now, is it?

For some reason, I used to think these were important, essential questions to understanding life in the LDS Church during the Millennium, and you know what? I still think these are important philosophical quandaries that we need to address, so have at it. What’s your take? And do you have support for your position? Oh, and don’t worry, I have plenty more quandaries we can consider in future posts.

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Comments

  1. S Lawrence says:

    Nice…How about a corporate name change: “Victoria’s Sacred, Not Secret”

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