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Make a Donation For Your Exaltation

If you haven’t heard, the church recently announced that it will allow members to “pay tithing and submit other charitable donations” electronically. Now, if you’re anything like me, you no longer need to feel guilty for getting behind in your tithing because you ran out of checks. Also, you don’t have to feel like a mobster handing over an envelope full of cash (I did this when I was a waiter) as if you’re paying someone off.

In light of the progress the church is making in taking advantage of technology, I would like to put forth an idea that I think would greatly help the members of the church. And that is to implement a kind of televangelism method during General Conference, where members could call a number that appears on the screen to make donations to their favorite cause.

I don’t know about you, but I get such a spiritual boost from watching General Conference, It motivates me so much to be a better person, but unfortunately, the spiritual boost I get often doesn’t last too long, which is why my plan is absolutely brilliant. Just think about it, you’re lying on the couch in your pajamas, listening to Elder Holland’s talk about blessing the poor. And you’re thinking to yourself, “Self, I need to help the poor more by contributing more too fast offerings.” Just as you’re having that thought, a number appears on the screen for you to call to make that donation.

Now, who might the members be calling, you might be asking? A call center in India? Nope. Pakistan? Hope not. Why on earth would the church pay for labor when they can get it for free by using the hundreds of future pest control sales men at the MTC? No unions, minimum wage, or health care benefits. It’s a win-win. The church keeps their overheads down, and the young whippersnappers get some of the best sales training use after their missions to sell alarm systems.

I know many are thinking, “This is preposterous!” Oh really? There were many in the church who thought polygamy would never be taken away. For that matter, there were many that never believed blacks would receive the priesthood. Look, all I am saying is that the church can leverage this basic technology to “perfect the saints.” If and when this happens, remember who you heard it from first.

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